Many a times, I have felt the lack of words for something that I face while interacting with the mundane world and although my mind is screaming expletives and stuff, the face remains serene without any trace of anything that’s going on inside!.
How else would you describe a situation, unless you feel it to the edge that you either you end up crying or be as stubborn with no sign of effects on you? I have seen people openly showing their emotions (sometimes with just a little provocation can cry buckets and loom and wallow in the sadness) positive or negative with no fear of judgement from others, never bother to notice whether they are causing inconvenience. But, here I am, who feels judged even when sleeping. I swear I am not afraid of the world but my internal self feels awkward at the drop of a hat and surprisingly doesn't show any bit of the emotion on the face. So as to be easy-going with the world, so as to be less judged, so as to not be a disappointment. These thoughts are my constant living truth.
The world as you know is only for the “bold and the beautiful”, for the courageous and quick-witted, for the ones who speak their minds out, not for the meek and the average, not for the patient seekers, not for the slow and steady!. If only I had brains to deal with such situations, that would have salvaged myself from feeling this constantly, but no, I seem to have no extra potential rather than rant to the computer on Medium. If only I had the maturity to put on a show to gain what I wanted….
I think language was one thing that made Man go berserk in this world, seeking meaning in everything he saw, he heard or he thought and also in everything that others do. Complications in relationships- personal or professional areas will be forever on the rise. Real mental suffering would have emerged then and there as we started interpreting every damn thing using language. The way people twist their words to define their thinking or to justify their thinking is amazing. Skills and capabilities do count but its only useful where two sane responsible people continue to interact!
Haven’t you noticed people use different defense mechanisms to justify their thoughts, their words and the way they behave with others. I do get bored with reasons and excuses for not doing what they could have done much before. Instead of making things right, lies are told, reasons are laid out on which they cozily lay and in the long term they long to slack. I say this They say our muscles and our mind are like the constant recorders and keep updating the mind (various synaptic connections happening at this very moment) about what gives the best joy(sometimes unfit for the body of course ha ha) but it strives to find meaning in different and new ways of slacking.
Blame is a word used not to introspect ourselves but to throw others under the bus, watch them being crushed and have the satisfaction of winning under any circumstance and they are welcomed for being victorious. That’s how the world is! Sadly I am also a dog who’s had a day or two to claim that I knowingly crushed someone just to be victorious. But my devious mind makes me realize and reminds me of all the worst things that I have done unto others and again I drown into the web of sorrows and guilts created by my own mind.
Time slips in a matter of moments as we slack, lay cozily, Time seems to have been on a rocket travelling in hours and making one feel like it’s just been a few minutes. I even feel this way when I hit the bed and wake up and write down my thoughts on this platform my mind races hither to while my mind indicating a few unimportant yet necessary things to finish. Just yesterday I was determined to find a meaning of the way I am, but today there no sign of any uneasiness except for lack of everything!
